I'll Be
by BluEyes
Summary: A few years later...a few changes in the past...a funeral brings back a silent promise...yeah, that summery sucks...CnM, of course, please read and review :) ~last chapter *finally* up!~
1. I'll Be

I'll Be

Hey people, I'm back! I've had writer's block all summer…it's like I can't write unless I'm depressed or seriously stressed..hey, that rhymed…but newayz, I've been too happy to write all summer…does that make any sense whatsoever? Well, whatever. So here's my fic…um, I don't have much to say and this part might be kinda confusing, but, once again, just have faith in me, kay? Kay. So I don't own the characters, I just screw with 'em (not like **that**, jeez, get ur heads outta the gutter) and put them in situations they'd never actually be in and make absolutely no money in doing so. And that's it…so read and review, please : )

"Bryce, Ashleigh, come on, we're gonna be late!" Monica yelled and a few seconds later, her three-year-old son came running down the hallway.

"Ashleigh won't come," he said and Monica just sighed. She couldn't handle all of this right now.

"Well can you put your shoes on while I go talk to your sister?" Monica asked and Bryce grinned and nodded in response, so Monica forced a smile back.

'God, he looks just like his father,' she thought as she walked up the stairs to Ashleigh's room.

__

His father…

Monica shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "Ashleigh," she said softly as she knocked on her door.

"Go away," came the muffled yell through the door.

__

Go away…

"Ash, honey, we have to go," she opened the door and walked in. Ashleigh was lying on her bed, her face buried in her pillow. 

"I'm not going," she said, her voice muffled by the pillow.

"Ash-"

"I'm not going," she repeated, sitting up. Monica looked at her tear-stained face, wondering if the little girl in front of her was really only seven years old.

Monica sat down next to her on the bed, gently reaching to wipe away the tears. "It's your father's funeral," she whispered.

"I'm. Not. Going," she repeated calmly.

"Honey, I know you hurt, but if you don't go you're going to regret it," she said, though she knew those words probably meant nothing to a seven-year-old. "Please, baby? For me?"

Ashleigh looked back at her mother, seeing that there were tears in her eyes, also, threatening at any moment.

__

Threats… 

"Fine," she finally said, barely whispering it, and Monica leaned in to hug her.

Monica stood up, holding her hand out for Ashleigh to take, but instead she walked past her. Sighing, Monica once again realized that she couldn't take all of this right now.

"Momma, look!" Bryce came running up the hallway. "I did it all by myself!" he showed her his shoes and how he'd tied them. Monica almost laughed, seeing the knots that he'd somehow managed to tie in his shoelaces.

"Wow, good job," she smiled at him. "C'mon, buddy," she said and he held his arms out to be picked up, so she picked him up. "Where's your sister?"

"In the car," he replied, so Monica grabbed her purse and keys before heading out the door.

She put Bryce in his car seat and then looked at Ashleigh, who was sitting in the front seat with her arms crossed. After a couple of seconds, Monica brushed it off, deciding that anger must just be her way of dealing with grief, and started the car.

After a silent 20-minute car ride, they pulled up. Monica got out of the car and then got Bryce out. When Ashleigh didn't move, Monica opened her door.

"Ashleigh…"

Ashleigh just turned her head in the opposite direction.

"So you're not talking to me now?" she asked, to which she got no response. "Ya know what? Fine. Don't come. Have everyone wonder where you are," Monica gave up, walking away with Bryce. Ashleigh got out of the car a few seconds later, running to catch up with them. 

It was actually a beautiful day out, weather-wise, at least, and the funeral service was to take place at the gravesite. Monica sighed, wasn't it supposed to be rainy and dreary at funerals? As she continued to look around at all the people dressed in black that had already gathered, she started to feel everything that she'd been trying to repress over the past few days.

Every emotion she hadn't allowed herself to feel, wanting to stay strong for her kids, came in a sudden rush, and she let it, giving in to the tears.

Collapsing down onto the chair next to the one Ashleigh had sat down on, she still held Bryce, who didn't understand. He just looked up at her with innocent big blue eyes, not understanding. He didn't understand why she was crying. He didn't understand that he'd never see his daddy again.

And thinking of that, Monica cried even harder. He wouldn't remember his father. Or not much, anyway. And Ashleigh would have some memories, but not nearly enough.

Monica continued to cry, not even aware of the fact that almost everyone there was practically staring at her.

"Mon?" a soft voice broke into her thoughts, and she looked up. She hadn't seen him, heard from him in years. But as she set Bryce down and stood up, she welcomed his arms around her as he hugged her.

Monica just buried her head in his chest, continuing to sob.

"Oh, Chandler…"

to

be

continued…

Yeah, I know that was really short, sorry bout that, but please review so I can know if it was worth continuing or not : )


	2. The Strands in Your Eyes

I'll Be~part 2

The Strands in Your Eyes

Hey all, thanks for the reviews! I had surgery yesterday to have my wisdom teeth removed so I'm kinda in pain. Well, more than kinda. So if I seem kinda outta it, it's probably a combination of the painkillers and very little food, lol. Oh yeah, and me, kill chandler? *bursts out laughing* I don't think I could do that…what would be the point of friends without chandler? I don't even like to watch the episodes from last year that Matthew Perry wasn't really in…lol, me, kill off chandler, jeez, I'd think you'd know me better than that…*clears throat* so newayz, here's the next part : ) 

"Oh, Chandler," Monica continued to sob into his chest, and he just held her, letting her cry. After a few minutes, she pulled away, wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"No reason to be sorry," Chandler reassured her with a smile.

"It's good to see you again," she sniffed, wiping her eyes again.

"Yeah, I don't think I've seen you since…" he trailed off, shrugging.

"Bryce's first birthday, I think," Monica finished.

"And Bryce'll be what, four, in October?" he asked and she nodded. "God, it's been way too long."

"So where's Logan?"

"With his mom," Chandler said, looking around. "I think there's other people here who want to talk to you, I should probably let you get to them."

"Yeah, as soon as you walk away that mob's gonna pounce on me," Monica motioned toward a group of people who were watching them.

"Then I'll let you get to everyone else," he turned to leave.

"No! I mean, you don't have to. I don't really feel like trying to make conversation with a bunch of people that I don't really know," she paused, "I probably should, though," she paused once again, sighing, "God, you're not supposed to be a widow at 35."

"Hey," a voice came from behind them.

"Hey," Monica smiled slightly, seeing Ross.

"Rachel's sick, but she sends her condolences and love," he hugged her.

"Thanks."

"Hey, man, long time no see," he said, seeing Chandler.

"Yeah, I know," he paused, "Well, I'll let you talk to everyone else, Mon. I'm sorry about Mitch," he smiled at her sympathetically, leaning in to hug her. "The strands in your eyes, Mon," he whispered in her ear and she smiled slightly, knowing exactly what he was talking about. "Well, I'll catch up with you later," he kissed her cheek. "See-ya, Ross," he added, turning to walk away.

"Bye," Monica and Ross both said at the same time.

"So how you holding up?" Ross asked gently.

Monica shrugged, "You know."

"Hey, if you want me and Rach to take the kids for a while or anything…"

"No, I'm fine."

"Well, Chandler was probably right, I should let you talk to everyone else. I'm sorry about Mitch," he leaned in and hugged her, "love you."

"You, too," she whispered back, watching as he also walked away.

The guys had been right, and as soon as they walked away, more people came up to her, telling her how sorry they were for her loss. Monica was almost relieved when the service started; now she could grieve without talking to people.

It was short and simple, and Monica knew that would have disappointed Mitch. He'd liked everything huge and extravagant.

Monica closed her eyes. "Momma?" Bryce whispered, so she opened them. He leaned in and kissed her, so Monica smiled and kissed his forehead, continuing to let the tears fall.

But one thing hurt her most of all. She knew that part of the reason she was crying was for the wrong reason. Not as far as anyone else knew, but at least as far as she knew, she was crying for all the wrong reasons.

~*~

Monica woke up at the sound of the phone ringing, but didn't even bother to open her eyes. She wanted to be left alone, why couldn't they understand that?

"Mommy!" Bryce came running into her room with the phone, "It's Gramma."

"Thanks, honey," she said and reluctantly took the phone from him, so he left the room. "Hello?"

"Hey, Monica, how are you?"

"Fine," she replied, not really wanting to talk to her mother. 

"Well, that's good. Um, I was thinking, and what if your father and I took the kids for a few days? Just to give yourself some time to…" she trailed off.

"No, Mom, I'm fine, really, I am."

"Monica, just let us take them for the weekend or something, just to-"

"Seriously, Mom, I'm fine. Listen, I gotta go, I'll call you later," she hung up the phone before her mother could even respond, throwing it down on the bed.

A second later, the phone rang again and she picked it up, "Look, I said no!'

"Oh, um, sorry."

"Chandler?"

"You were expecting maybe Brad Pitt?" 

"Sorry, I thought it was my mom again," she apologized.

"It's okay. Hey, um, Logan's with Julia this weekend, and after seeing you the other day, I realized how long it's been and how much I miss you, so do you wanna have lunch or something tomorrow?"

Monica paused, not sure if she really wanted to go. She really felt like staying home alone in self-pity. But she also hadn't seen Chandler in so long, and she really did miss him.

"Um, Mon?" he asked after a couple minutes of silence, "Look, if you don't feel up to it or whatever, then I completely understand."

"No, um, actually I'd love to go. And my parents had offered to take the kids this weekend, so do you want to have dinner instead? I mean, unless you have other plans," she tried to keep the desperation out of her voice.

"Nope, no other plans," he paused, "So how 'bout tomorrow night at seven?"

"That's fine."

"Great, so I'll pick you up then and we can decide where we want to go."

"Okay, see ya then."

"Bye, Mon."

"Bye," she said as she hung up the phone, sighing. Now she had to call her mom back and ask her to take the kids after having just yelled at her and hung up on her.

She took a deep breath, picking up the phone, "Here goes nothing…"

~*~

"Ashleigh, are you ready? Grandma's gonna be here in a few minutes to pick you up," Monica walked into her daughter's room. Ashleigh didn't answer, but just picked up the bag she had packed and walked past Monica and out the door.

Monica sighed, wondering how long that was going to last. Ashleigh would hardly even speak to her and she had no clue as to why.

The doorbell rang and Monica glanced up at the clock; it was about time. She was already almost half-an-hour late.

"Mom," Bryce came running up the stairs (yeah, I know he's always running, but that's how guys that age are. I went with my best friend to take her little brother, who's that age, trick-or-treating last year and he ran the entire time. And both me and my friend were wearing boots with 2-inch heels. Never, I repeat, NEVER do that. LOL, we ended up barefoot by the time we were coming home. Newayz, back to the fic…) "There's somebody at the door."

"It's probably Grandma, why don't you answer it."

"I did answer it but I'm not s'posed to let strangers in."

"Oh. Well, go get your bag and then come down stairs, Grandma's gonna be here soon."

"Kay," he ran back down the hallway.

"Hey, sorry about that," Monica said as she opened the door.

"No problem," Chandler smiled, "And sorry, I'm kind of early."

"Well, my mom's also kind of late, so we're going to have to wait for her to get here, sorry," she let him in.

"I don't mind," he reassured her with another smile as he walked in.

"Um, you can go sit down in the family room, I'm gonna go make sure that Bryce is ready and then I'll be right back down," Monica said before going back upstairs.

"Hey," Chandler said to Ashleigh, walking into the family room and sitting down on the couch, to which he got no response. "You've grown up a lot since the last time I saw you."

Ashleigh still didn't answer; instead she turned the TV off and left the room. Chandler looked up and saw that Monica was standing in the doorway. He gave her a questioning look, wondering about Ashleigh, but she just shook her head, telling him not to ask, before looking back in the direction that Ashleigh had just run off in.

When she looked back, she realized that Chandler was still watching her, and their eyes met. And as their eyes locked, the past came back in a rush…

To

Be

Continued…

Sooooo, what'd ya think of that part? Just review please, it only takes about 20 or so seconds out of your day and it makes my day much better : ) 


	3. I'll Be Your Cryin' Shoulder

I'll Be~part 3

I'll Be Your Cryin' Shoulder

*flashback-before season 1, you'll see when…*

"Hey," Chandler said quietly, walking into Monica's apartment.

"Hey," Monica sat up on the couch, wiping her eyes in an unsuccessful attempt to hide the fact that she'd been crying.

"Kip told me you guys broke up," he continued to talk softly, walking around the couch and sitting down next to her.

"Well did he tell you why?" she sniffed again.

"Just that you guys wanted different things."

Monica snorted, "Well, that's a way to describe it. I wanted him and he wanted that blonde with the fake boobs in the apartment above yours."

"Oh, Mon."

"I mean, you can take his side if you want to," she sniffed again, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand, "I mean, I'm fine…"

"Obviously," Chandler laughed, grabbing the box of kleenex (wait, that's like advertising or something…I guess I should say 'facial tissue' lol…) off the table and moving closer as he handed it to her.

"Thanks," she took it from him as she sniffled again.

"No problem," he paused, "And I'd never choose Kip over you," he paused again, thinking, "I don't think I'd really choose anyone over you."

"Well, the half begs to differ."

"What?"

"No guy wants me!" she said and then sighed, "Seriously, what's so wrong with me? What does that dumb-ass blonde have that I don't? Why doesn't he want me? Why doesn't anybody want me?"

"**Nothing's** wrong with you, Mon," he said, to which she just scoffed. "Look, you are the sweetest, most beautiful, most wonderfulest person I know, and if Kip, or any other guy, for that matter, can't see that then they don't even deserve you," he said softly, looking her in the eye. "Kip would have to be crazy to cheat on you."

Monica just stared back, not believing him. If that was so true, then why did she keep ending up with such jerks and why did those jerks keep treating her like shit.

"Oh, Mon," he said to the look on her face, gently wiping away her tears with his thumb. "C'mere," he held his arms out and she immediately accepted the hug.

Monica pulled back a little so that she could see his face. "Well, if I'm that great then why doesn't anybody want me," she said, more stating it as a fact than asking it.

Chandler didn't say anything, but leaned in and kissed her forehead, pulling back just enough to look her in the eye. They held the gaze for a couple of minutes, until Monica was the one to finally break it by looking down.

"I should probably go," Chandler said awkwardly, almost whispering it as he stood up.

The next thing he knew, Monica had pounced on him, knocking him back onto the couch and pinning him down. She kissed him hard on the mouth, and at first Chandler kissed back, confused by her sudden actions. But as her hands moved down his body and started to unzip his pants, he pulled away. 

"Look, Mon-"

"So you didn't actually mean what you just said," Monica got off of him and sat up.

"What?"

"You just made up a bunch of crap, 'oh, you're so wonderful, I don't know why any guy wouldn't want you,' just to make me feel better so that you wouldn't have a guilty conscience tonight when you go to bed."

"It's not like that at all. Look, Mon, you're depressed, you're vulnerable."

"So?"

"So I'm not gonna take advantage of you."

"**I** kissed **you** and I want it to happen! That's not taking advantage!"

"But, Mon, you're depressed, it's just a rebound thing from Kip, you're not thinking clearly."

"So now I can't think for myself, either," Monica crossed her arms.

"Monica, you **know** that's not what I meant; you twisted my words around."

"Chandler, if you meant a word of what you just said than why don't you want to be with me?"

"Cause I don't wanna screw up our friendship and I have a feeling that taking advantage of you would screw that up."

"But you wouldn't be taking advantage of me!"

"Oh my god!"

"Chandler," Monica sighed, not knowing exactly what to say. Chandler looked back at her. Was he seriously turning down sex from Monica? And not only turning it down, but flat out refusing it?

"Look, Mon-"

"Fine, you're right. It is just a rebound thing, but Chandler, I need this," she looked into his eyes, "I need **you**."

Chandler took a deep breath, wondering when he'd become so levelheaded. "Just for tonight?"

"Just for tonight," she nodded.

Chandler paused again, taking another deep breath. "Then…okay," he smiled slightly at her, still unsure.

Monica waited for a couple of minutes before realizing that he was waiting for her to make the first move. She moved closer to him, looking into his eyes. As much as she'd just pleaded him for this, she was still nervous. She placed her hand on his chest and could feel his heart racing, as fast as it felt like hers was. She then took his hand in hers and placed it on her chest so that he could feel that she was as nervous as he was. Chandler smiled slightly at her, so Monica leaned in to kiss him.

And this time, he didn't stop her…

~*~

Chandler woke up to the sound of rain pounding against the window and the feeling of Monica up against him. He just lay there for a few minutes, not sure of what to do. He didn't want to wake her up, but he didn't want to just leave her, either. But he also had no idea what he'd say to her once she did wake up.

The choice was soon made for him as Monica's alarm-clock-radio turned on and Monica stirred, and a few seconds later she was looking back into his eyes. She moved to turn it off, but Chandler stopped her.

"Just leave it," he whispered, so she did.

After a couple more awkward minutes, Monica finally said something. "Look, about last night…" she trailed off, losing her nerve.

"You feel any better this morning?" Chandler offered, trying to keep up the conversation, not wanting to face the awkwardness of silence.

"Not really," she half smiled at him. "And last night, I just…I needed to…" she sighed, not knowing how to explain. Chandler just nodded, getting what he needed to know from the look in her eyes.

She just needed to feel wanted, needed to feel loved.

Monica sighed, on the verge of tears and Chandler realized just how upset she really was over Kip. "Don't cry, Mon," he whispered, almost reluctantly moving closer to her, not sure of what he should do or say.

As the next song came on the radio, he turned it up, looking Monica in the eye as it came on. He moved even closer to her and sang along to the song, his eyes never once leaving hers.

__

The strands in your eyes 

That color them wonderful

Stop me and steal my breath

Emeralds from mountains

Thrust towards the sky

Never revealing their depth

Tell me that we belong together

Dress it up with the trappings of love

I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips

Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I'll be your cryin' shoulder

I'll be love suicide

I'll be better when I'm older

I'll be the greatest fan of you life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof

As we lie awake in my bed

You're my survival, you're my living proof

My love is alive and not dead

Tell me that we belong together

Dress it up in the trappings of love

I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips

Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I'll be your cryin' shoulder

I'll be your love suicide

I'll be better when I'm older

I'll be the greatest fan of your life

By the time he'd sang the chorus the second time, Monica was in tears again.

"No, don't cry," he whispered, hugging her.

"I'm sorry," she sniffed.

"Don't be sorry," he laughed, "If anything, I'm sorry form making you cry again," he kissed her forehead.

After a few more minutes, Monica got it together.

"I should probably go," Chandler said quietly.

"Yeah, probably," Monica paused. "Look, thanks for last night. I just…ya know?"

"Yeah, no problem," he smiled back at her as he stood up, "My pleasure, in fact," he grinned and she just laughed, "and if you ever need another favor…"

"I know where you live," she smiled back. "But seriously, thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied as he finished getting dressed. He walked back over to her bed and kissed her forehead, murmuring, "I love you."

Monica knew what he meant by that. He didn't mean that he was **in** love with her. Just that he loved her. "See-ya," she smiled.

"Bye," he smiled back, and as he was almost out the door, he turned back to face her. "The strands in your eyes…" he simply whispered with a grin as he walked out her door.

~*Back to present*~

Monica came back to the present at the sound of the doorbell ringing. "Um, that's probably my mom here to pick up the kids," she said and Chandler just nodded, so she went to answer the door.

"I'm sorry I'm so late, there was a horrible accident tying up traffic," Judy explained as Monica let her in.

"It's fine," Monica smiled at her. "Bryce, Ash, Grandma's here," she yelled and Bryce came running down the stairs. "I'm gonna go get Ashleigh," she smiled at her mother before going up the stairs.

"Ash, Grandma's here," she knocked on her door. "Ashleigh?" she asked again and got no response. A couple of seconds later, she came out and walked right past Monica. "Ashleigh?" she asked once more, but she continued to ignore her. "Ash, why won't you talk to me?"

Ashleigh stopped suddenly, turning to face her mother, "Like you don't know," was all she said.

To

Be

Continued…

And now you know what happened in the past…or part of it at least, hehehe. The song is "I'll Be" by Edwin McCaine and I'm using lyrics from it for the titles of each chapter, and, obviously, the name of the fic. So review and tell me if I should keep going…


	4. I'll Be Love Suicide

I'll Be~part 4

I'll Be Love Suicide

~*~flashback-Ben's birth~*~

"C'mon, people, let's go, let's go, let's go!" Ross yelled, trying to get everyone out the door. "Okay, Joey, Chandler, Rachel…wait, where's Monica?" he asked and the three guys turned to look at Rachel.

"How would I know? She's probably just in her room or something," she shrugged. "Well, we'd better get going, I mean, your doctor's a guy, right?"

"What-what does that have to do with anything" Ross asked in frustration.

"What?" Rachel asked back.

"What? Look, I was in the middle of eating a sandwich, so are we going or not?" Joey asked.

Chandler sighed. "Look, you guys go ahead, I'll wait for Mon and we'll meet you there."

"Okay, people, then let's go!" Ross started toward the stairs, Rachel and Joey following.

"Monica?" Chandler walked into her apartment. "Mon?" he knocked on her closed bedroom door. When she didn't respond, he opened it slowly, and saw her lying on her bed, quickly realizing that she had been crying. "Mon?" he said quietly again, but she still didn't respond. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, walking over to her bed and sitting down next to her.

"Nothing," she replied as she sat up, wiping her eyes.

Chandler laughed. "Mon, even if you could lie to me, I wouldn't buy that," he paused, waiting for her to explain. "Look, Mon, I really suck at this knowing-the-right-thing-to-say thing, but if you could at least tell me what was wrong, then I might be able to at least make an attempt."

Monica laughed slightly, sitting up. "Ross is having a baby."

Chandler looked at her puzzled; that was stating the obvious, "And…?"

"I'm not."

"Yeah, cause that would either be a weird coincidence or very wrong, so…"

"Chandler."

"Sorry," he sighed, "I just…what?"

Monica sighed. "Why does he get a baby and I don't? I mean, he was always good in school, so my parents loved him for that. He got married first, so my parents loved him for that. But then he got divorced, so I figured I was at least one-up on him for that. But now he's having a baby…"

"Is that what this is about? Your mom?"

"No. Yes. Maybe…Kind of," she sighed in frustration. "I mean, it partly is, but it's also partly that…I don't have any of that. I mean, what if I never get married? What if I never get a baby?"

"Mon, you **will**."

"How do you know that?" she practically yelled. Chandler paused, not knowing exactly how to answer that.

"The strands in your eyes," he finally whispered, to which Monica smiled. "And there it is," he smiled back, still whispering. "Look, tell ya what. If neither of us is married by the time we're 40, what do you say you and me get together and have a baby?"

"And why won't I be married by the time I'm 40?"

"No, I mean, I'm sure you will."

"But you just said that I won't be!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Well, you implied it! You-" she was cut off by Chandler kissing her hard on the lips. At first she didn't kiss back, still mad at him. But after a few seconds, she let herself melt into it, remembering the last time.

Chandler pulled back, breathless. "If you always kiss like that…no doubt in my mind…you'll be married **way** before you're 40."

Monica smiled at him, "You, too."

Chandler shook his head, "Don't talk about that now," and Monica just laughed. "Well, um, we should probably get to the hospital."

"Yeah, probably," Monica said, unconvincingly, looking down at their fingers, still intertwined.

"Look-"

"I-"

They both started talking at the same time, so Monica motioned for Chandler to talk.

"Look, I know-" he was cut off by Monica kissing him. Monica pulled back after a few seconds, waiting for his reaction. Chandler took a deep breath, willing himself to speak. "Look," he spoke calmly, "I know that I kissed you first, but I don't think we should do this again."

Monica looked down, avoiding eye contact. After a couple of minutes, she finally looked up, whispering, "Why not?"

"Because it doesn't work like that, Mon. It'd be weird."

"It wasn't weird last time."

"Well, once you can brush off as a one time thing. Twice changes everything."

"It wouldn't have to."

"But it would."

"No, It wouldn't!"

"Well, I'm sorry, Monica, but I'm not gonna just be your friend and then all of a sudden change whenever you just need to fuck," he yelled back, regretting it as soon as the words left his mouth.

Monica just looked at him, not believing what he'd just said.

"Oh my god, Mon, I-"

"Get out," she cut him off, not wanting to hear him try to explain himself. When he didn't move, she looked him in the eye, "Get the hell out," she repeated.

Chandler turned to leave, his head hung in shame. He hadn't meant what he'd just said and they both knew it. But that didn't mean that it hadn't hurt. And it killed him to see the look in Monica's eyes after he'd said it.

~*~

Monica sighed, lying down on her bed. She was an aunt. That was a reason to be happy, right? Of course, it was. And she was happy. Well, kind of happy anyway.

The whole day had been awkward, having to sit in the waiting room with Chandler. Phoebe had been to busy singing her songs and Rachel had been too busy flirting with the doctors to notice anything awkward between them. Joey had disappeared soon after they had got there, god only knew what he'd been doing, so he hadn't noticed it either. So the two of them had to sit there together without a single word said.

A knock on the door interrupted Monica's thoughts and she just sighed, knowing perfectly well who it would probably be. "What?"

"Can I come in?"

"Look, I don't really feel like talking to you right now, Chandler."

"Please?" he paused. "Just five minutes, I swear."

Monica opened the door. "You have five minutes, talk."

"Mon, I'm so unbelievably sorry about earlier. I didn't mean that," he said as he walked in.

"I know," she shut the door behind him, "But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt."

"I know and I am **so** sorry. It's just that that whole friends with privileges thing doesn't ever work."

Monica paused for a second, thinking. "Well…what if we weren't just friends with privileges?"

Chandler sighed. "Believe me, you don't want me. I'd hurt you. I wouldn't mean to, but it'd be like earlier. I'd say something; I'd do something. Just…trust me, you don't deserve me."

"Well, you sure think highly of yourself…"

"No, I mean you don't deserve to have to go through that. You deserve so much more than me. I can't give you a commitment. I can't give you what you need."

"But you can give me what I need," she whispered. "I know very well that you're capable of giving me what I need tonight," she smirked and he just laughed.

"Mon-" she cut him off, holding her finger up to his lips and silently pleading him with her eyes before kissing him.

"Just tonight," she whispered.

"I seem to remember that being what you said last time," he joked and she kissed him again, and this time he finally gave in, not able to stop himself. "You will get all that, you know. I just…I can't give it to you. But you will get it, Mon."

"I know."

"I do love you, though."

"I know that, too."

"And I swear I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"I know."

"And-"

"Chandler, shut up," Monica laughed, pushing him back onto her bed.

~*~Back to Present~*~   


Monica just looked at Ashleigh. "What'd you say?"

"I said, 'like you don't know,'" she said once again before turning and walking away, running into her grandmother's arms.

Monica just stared after her. Like she didn't know what? What reason could Ashleigh possibly have to be mad at her?

"Bye, Bryce, be good for Gramma and Papa," she hugged and kissed him.

"Bye, Mommy, love you."

"Love you, too. Bye Ash," she said, but Ashleigh turned and walked out the front door."

"Is she okay?"

"Yeah, she's fine, Mom," Monica smiled at her mother.

"Well, take care, dear. If you want them to stay longer just call."

"Thanks, bye."

"Bye," she said as she shut the door.

"So, where are we going to go?" Chandler asked, walking up behind her.

"Huh?"

"Dinner. Where are we gonna go?" he asked again and she just shrugged. "Is Ashleigh okay?" he asked when she didn't say anything for a couple more minutes.

"Her father just died, do you think she's okay?" Monica snapped.

"Sorry."

Monica sighed. "No, I'm sorry that I snapped at you. I just, I don't know about her anymore. And when I asked her what was wrong, she said 'like you don't know.' Well, I don't know!" she sighed once again. "But speaking of kids, when am I gonna get to meet yours?"

"Oh, that's right, you've never met Logan, have you?"

"Nope," she smiled at him.

"Oh, yeah, wasn't Bryce really sick the weekend that he was born so you couldn't make it?"

"Yeah. So how old is he now?"

"18 months. Wanna see a picture?" she nodded so he grinned and pulled out his wallet. "I think that's the most recent, like a month ago," he showed her a picture.

"He's cute."

"I know," Chandler grinned.

"Curly, blond hair and your eyes…that kid's gonna break hearts someday," she said, looking up at him.

Their eyes met, and neither one realized that at that moment they were both thinking the exact same thing.

'Just like you.'

to

be

continued…

and that's the end of that part. Um, sorry I haven't really mentioned Joey or Phoebe…they just haven't really fit into this yet…but I'll try and get them in there. so review and tell me what you think so far and if you want me to continue…


	5. I'll Be Better When I'm Older

I'll Be~part 5

I'll Be Better When I'm Older

Hey! So, um, is anyone still reading this? I realize it's not exactly my best work, but if no one is reading it then I ain't gonna keep posting it…but if you are then let me know and I'll keep going… 

~*flashback (ugh, yes, **another** one…)*~

Monica sat on her couch, watching some stupid documentary on the Civil War, every few minutes wiping the tears from her cheeks. The movie wasn't sad, in fact, it was actually slit-your-own-throat-out-of sheer-boredom boring (damn, I miss my 8th grade history class, lol…never mind…). But it was on the Civil War. Richard had loved the Civil War…

"Hey, Mon, do you have any," Chandler walked in but trailed off when he saw her on the couch, still Crying. She was taking this Richard thing really hard, and it killed him to see her in that much pain. And he could understand why she'd be so upset over breaking up with Richard, hell, he would've been sad if he broke up with Richard, Richard was the coolest guy he had ever met. Smooth, confidant, distinguished, debonair…basically everything that he wasn't. "Hey…you okay?" he asked quietly as he walked over to the couch.

Monica shrugged and shut off the TV, deciding that a movie that made you want to slit your own throat probably wasn't the best thing to watch when she was depressed. "I'm just…it's just…it's not fair," she whispered through her tears.

"Oh, Mon," Chandler sat down next to her, holding out his arms to her. "Don't cry."

"Why not?" she pulled back from the hug, "What reason do I have not to cry?"

Chandler sighed, kissing her forehead and hugging her again. He held her, just letting her cry until she pulled back. And when she did, she did the one thing that he'd been dreading that she would do.

She kissed him.

He knew that she would be expecting that as soon as he'd walked in the door and seen her crying. But in all honesty, he had just come over to see if she had any milk. That's all he wanted. Just milk. Not sex. Not having to try and turn down Monica. He just needed milk to make dinner for him and Janice.

Janice.

Chandler pulled away, "Look, Mon, I'm sorry, but I have a girlfriend, and…and I'm not gonna cheat on her."

Monica just looked at him, silently pleading her with his eyes.

"Mon, don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me," he whispered.

"Sorry," she mumbled and lowered her eyes, feeling incredibly stupid for having kissed him in the first place. Of course their "thing"-whatever it was-wasn't going to keep happening. Of course he wasn't going to just sleep with her whenever she needed it.

"Mon," Chandler whispered, but she refused to look up. He lifted her chin so that she was looking at him. "Don't be sorry," he whispered. "Well, um, I gotta go…I actually just came over here to see if you had any milk…"

"Yeah, help yourself," she whispered back, so he stood up.

"Well, see-ya," he whispered after he got the milk, knowing that he didn't really have the will power to refuse Monica for very long, and that a few more minutes and he'd be in trouble. 

"Bye."

"Bye," he said uncomfortably as he walked out the door, shutting it slowly behind him.

Monica sighed, sinking back into the couch. So nobody wanted her. But she did understand Chandler's reason, and hadn't actually expected him to cheat on his girlfriend with her.

Monica picked up the book that she'd been reading; maybe that could cheer her up. Or at least take her mind off of everything for a while and make her forget about all of her problems. She opened it and pulled out the slip of paper she had been using as a bookmark. She smiled, seeing what was written on it and knowing immediately that it was Chandler's handwriting.

__

The strands in your eyes.

~*Back to present*~

Chandler broke their gaze, looking down, "So, um, where are we going to go for dinner?"

"I don't know, I was thinking-"

Monica was cut off when Ashleigh came in the door. "Bryce forgot his teddybear and cried cause he said that he can't sleep with out it so we had to come back. God, he such a baby," Ashleigh explained, rolling her eyes.

"Ashleigh, don't say that about your brother," Monica warned.

"Or what? You'll kick me out, too?" Ashleigh crossed her arms, challenging her mother.

"Excuse me?"

"You told him to get out! You said that you never wanted to see him again! It's your fault that he's dead!" she yelled, storming off down the hallway as she started to cry.

As Monica came to the realization of what she was talking about, all of the color drained from her face. "Oh my god…"

To

Be

Continued…

So now you know why Ashleigh's mad…kinda, anywayz…Oh, quick question that has nothing to do with my fic…does anyone know who sings the version of the song "When you say nothing at all" that's in the movie _Notting Hill_? Cuz there's like a million versions of that song and I was wondering who sang that one cuz I like it the best….okay, I'll go away now…please review, thanks :-)


	6. I'll Be the Greatest Fan of Your LIfe

I'll Be~part 6

I'll Be the Greatest Fan of Your Life

Ronan Keating, I so knew that was who sang that song…it was just one of those things where it was on the tip of my tongue and I couldn't quite think of it and those things drive me crazy till I figure them out. So thank you to all the people who told me that :-) Yeah, I'm rambling cuz it's 3 AM…and she says baby, it's 3 am, I must be lonely…um, sorry, I'm in the mood to sing. And why am I up at 3 am, you may ask…well, caffeine high, lol. I like never drink pop and I had 4 tonight, so I definitely can't sleep…but it's all good cuz I feel like writing anywayz. So it really works out good for everyone. Oh, and thanks for the reviews…they really make my day…sounds stupid, but they do. so thank you *muah* okay, now for the fic since I doubt anyone would actually still be reading this…seriously, just caffeine high, not anything else, lol…

~*yet another flashback, lol*~

Chandler sat in his chair, staring blankly at whatever happened to be on the television screen. He wasn't really watching it. He had better things to do than watch TV. And he couldn't stop thinking.

She'd cheated on him.

She'd cheated on him and he'd had to do the noble thing and tell her to go back to her husband. And it wasn't himself that he was thinking about when he made that decision, and it definitely wasn't her that he was thinking about…it was her kids. He didn't want them to be as screwed up as he was because of all this. So if they could really be a family and make it work out, then he wasn't about to be the one to stand in the way of it.

Chandler closed his eyes, leaning his head back, determined not to cry. Someone might walk in. And he didn't cry. Or he didn't cry as far as anybody else knew and really didn't feel like changing their impression of him at that moment. So he didn't need to cry, he didn't need to cry…but… 

But he'd trusted her. This time he'd completely fallen for her and trusted her and she'd hurt him. That's what he got for trusting someone. Trust someone like that, and you're gonna get hurt. Completely give your heart to someone and they're gonna break it. He'd never known any differently, why did he expect that to change now.

At the sound of the door opening and closing, Chandler turned around in his chair to face the door.

It was Monica.

She wordlessly walked over to him and sat down on his lap, kissing him on the lips. Chandler kissed back, willing to take her way of making his pain go away. Monica stood up, pulling him with her and going to his bedroom.

He'd been there for her. Regardless and without questions, he'd always been there for her. Even with Richard, he'd done everything but sleep with her to comfort her. So it was her turn to pay him back.

Once in his room, she pushed him back onto the bad, getting on top of him and kissing him again.

Chandler resisted the urge he had to say something, not wanting to break the magic formed by the silence, and instead just kissed back, letting her take control…

~*~

"You awake?" Monica finally whispered.

"Mmm-hmm," Chandler replied without even opening his eyes.

"Chandler," Monica whispered, so he finally opened his eyes, and Monica realized the reason that he hadn't wanted to open them.

He was trying not to cry.

She rolled closer to him, tracing the outline of his face with her fingertips, looking him in the eye as she sang him the song that he'd sang to her after their first time.

__

The strands in your eyes 

That color them wonderful

Stop me and steal my breath

Emeralds from mountains

Thrust towards the sky

Never revealing their depth

Tell me that we belong together

Dress it up with the trappings of love

I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips

Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

I'll be your cryin' shoulder

I'll be love suicide

I'll be better when I'm older

I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Chandler kissed her again, and after he pulled back, buried his face in her shoulder, crying. She just held him, doing the exact same thing that he'd done for her so many times before, just being there for him.

He finally pulled back, wiping his eyes. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"Don't be," Monica smiled at him.

Lying back down, he pulled her into his arms, holding her tight.

"I love you, too."

"What?" Chandler asked, confused.

Monica turned in his arms to face him. "Before…you'd always tell me that you love me. I never said it back."

"Oh," he smiled at her for the first time that night. Monica lay her head back down against his chest, and after a couple more minutes of silence, Chandler whispered, "Thank you."

"No problem," she smiled at him. "I figured that I owed you, not that that's the only reason or anything. And I hate seeing you get hurt," she added. "But, um, I'd probably better get going," she moved to leave.

"Don't," Chandler blurted out.

"What?"

"Please stay," he pleaded, "Just tonight."

Monica immediately gave in to the pleading look in his eyes. She crawled back into his bed, softly kissing him on the lips. Why would she ever say no to a night in Chandler's arms?

~*back to present…getting the hang of how I'm doin this yet, lol*~

"Oh my god," Monica whispered, realizing what she was talking about. At first she stood, rooted to her spot, but she quickly got it together, running after Ashleigh. "Ashleigh."

"Go away!" Ashleigh yelled through her bedroom door.

"Ashleigh," Monica repeated as she walked in.

"I said go away!" she yelled again. "It's your fault! It's all your fault!"

"Ash-"

"No! You told him you never wanted to see him again! It's your fault he's dead!" she screamed at Monica, wiping the stubborn tears that kept falling.

Monica swallowed the knot in her throat, knowing that she was just angry and that she was only a child, but still feeling guilty, like it was really her fault. "Honey, it was just a fight. Sometimes people say things that they don't mean, especially when they're mad at someone. I didn't mean it," Monica whispered, slowly walking over to where Ashleigh was standing. 

Ashleigh wiped her eyes again. "If you didn't mean it then why'd you say it?" she demanded.

"Because I was mad. You say things when you're mad sometimes. You'll say that you hate me or Bryce, but you really don't, right?" she continued to whisper. "Baby, I didn't mean it," Monica hugged her, and for the first time in the past couple of weeks, she didn't pull back. Instead, she hugged back, sobbing as she stood in the comfort of her mother's arms.

To

Be

Continued…


	7. The Greatest Fan of Your LIfe

I'll Be~part 7

The Greatest Fan of Your Life

Okay, I wanted to have this series done by the time school started…but seeing as that's next week *lets out a sob* I don't see that happening. So you're just gonna have to bear with me…

~*flashback*~

"Dearly beloved," the priest began and as soon as the words had left him mouth, Chandler had stopped listening. He was losing her. No, he had already lost her. He sighed, wishing that he hadn't said no to her when she'd said that she wanted to give them a chance. Wishing that he could go into the past, smack himself upside the head, and tell himself to take a chance with her.

But it was too late.

"With this ring, I thee wed," Monica's voice broke his train of thought, and he had to fight hard not to cry.

And it wasn't just that. There was something about Mitch that creeped him out. Monica had met him at her restaurant; he had come back to complement the chef. They'd started talking and he ended up buying her breakfast the next morning (in Joey's words…if ya know what I mean, lol). They had dated for over a year, and now they were getting married. Chandler sighed again and the lady next to him gave him a weird look, so he smiled back, but she just rolled her eyes at him and looked away.

Chandler had even told Monica that there was something creepy about Mitch, something that he didn't trust, but she'd just looked him in the eye and said that he was jealous.

That wasn't true, though. Well, he was a little jealous, but that wasn't his reason for not liking Mitch.

"You may now kiss the bride." 

Chandler rose and started clapping as everyone else did, sighing once again. Well, as long as she was happy…

~*~

Monica grinned as she danced with Mitch. She couldn't help but smile; she was just so happy. And this was the happiest day of her life, so she was allowed to smile the entire time.

"I love you so much," Mitch grinned down at her.

"Ditto," she smiled back, but froze as the next song came on. Of all the songs in the world, it had to be "I'll Be."

"You okay?" Mitch whispered when he felt her tense in his arms.

"Yeah, um, fine," she said as she pulled away.

"What, you don't like this song?"

"Um, it's…just…"

"Ex-boyfriend?" he smiled understandingly.

"Yeah, something like that," she smiled back.

"Well, why don't we take a break from dancing for a while."

"Okay."

"Okay," he kissed her, "I'll be right back."

"Hey," Chandler said softly, walking up behind Monica as soon as Mitch had walked away.

"Hey yourself," Monica smiled at him.

"I was just gonna take off, so I figured I'd tell you good-bye," he smiled at her, "and congratulations."

"Thank you," she smiled back, hugging him.

Chandler pulled away and smiled at her. "The strands in your eyes," he whispered, giving her his silent promise that he'd still always be there for her. Maybe not in the same way as before, but that he'd still always be there.

"Well, I'll see-ya, I guess."

"Yeah, bye," he walked away, not sure how much more of the song he could take. 

Once he was outside, Chandler sighed, leaning against the wall.

"Cigarette?"

"Huh?" Chandler asked, not expecting anyone else to be out there.

"Cigarette?" she offered again.

"Sure," he took one. "Thanks."

"No problem," she smiled at him. "I'm Julia."

"Chandler," he smiled back.

~*back to present*~

Monica just held Ashleigh, letting her cry. "You still want to go to Grandma's tonight?" she asked gently after it seemed like Ashleigh had stopped crying. She just nodded. "You sure?"

"Yeah," she pulled away, wiping her eyes. "I gotta get Bryce's bear," she said quietly before walking out of the room.

At the sound of the doorbell ringing, Monica went back downstairs and Ashleigh ran after her, having grabbed Bryce's bear from his room.

"What on earth is taking so long? Is everything okay, dear?" her mother asked as soon as she opened the door.

"Yeah, fine," Monica smiled at her.

"Ashleigh, were you crying? What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine," she smiled at her grandmother as she walked past her and out the door. "Bye, Mom."

"Bye," Monica smiled, happy that she was speaking to her again.

"Bye," Judy said before following Ashleigh back to the car.

Monica went into the living room, where Chandler had gone. He was sitting on the couch, flipping through a magazine and hadn't noticed that she'd walked in.

"Hey," Monica said quietly, causing Chandler to look up.

"Hey," he smiled, putting the magazine down. "So…is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Or as okay as it's going to be, anyway," she shrugged as she sat down on the couch next to him. After a couple of minutes of silence, Monica looked up at Chandler. "You want to know what she was talking about, don't you?"

"Yeah, kind of," he smiled sheepishly at her.

Monica just sighed, "She must have heard us, me and Mitch, fighting. It was the night before…"she trailed off, not wanting to say it and Chandler knowing what she meant by her uncompleted sentence. "And that day…" she trailed off again, not saying anything for a while, and Chandler didn't press her, knowing that she'd explain when she could. Monica took a deep breath, her voice barely a whisper when she did speak, "And that day, I'd filed for divorce."

To

Be

Continued…

Please review…just please don't flame. Constructive criticism is always welcome if you wanna tell me what I can do better, but please don't flame me. But if you gotta, then go ahead and rip apart my fic, I can handle that, but don't *even* tell me that I am not a writer. Oh, and I was going for more of a melodrama on a greek-tragedy level than a soap-opera…though that's pretty much the same thing, isn't it, lol.


	8. Rain Falls

I'll Be~part 8

Rain Falls

Hey! Once again, thanks so much for the reviews. Oh, and someone asked me to add them to the list if I e-mail people to let them know when I update fics…but I don't really have a list…so does anyone else want me to tell them when I update? Cuz I could do that…if you want me to, then either tell me in a review or e-mail me (soccergirlie2005@hotmail.com) kay? Kay. Oh, and this part's for Jen-the world doesn't suck as bad as it seems to ; ) Okay, here we go…

~*Flashback (I think this'll probably be the last one, lol)*~

"Where the hell have you been?" Monica asked as Mitch walked in the front door. He ignored her question and walked past her and into the kitchen. "Where the hell were you?" she repeated, following him as he loosened his tie.

"Where are the kids?" he ignored her question as he opened the refrigerator.

"In bed," Monica answered.

"Already?"

"Already?" Monica repeated, "Jesus, Mitch, it's almost 11! And you don't even call anymore! You just don't come home!"

"It's almost 11?" he asked quietly, closing the refrigerator door and turning to face her.

Monica just nodded, motioning to the clock on the counter. Mitch just sighed, leaning back against the counter. He frowned, realizing that he'd leaned back against something. He reached back and picked up the brown envelope he'd leaned against, opening it and pulling the papers out. "What's this?" he asked, looking up at Monica.

"You can read. And you're a lawyer. You tell me," she crossed her arms.

"Don't be a smart-ass, I know they're divorce papers. I meant why," he snapped back.

"I wonder," she said bitterly. "You come home later and later every night, and you never even bother to call anymore. You never talk to me. And when you do come home, you come home smelling like perfume. And not cheap perfume, expensive perfume. Jessica's perfume," she said, and as soon as the words had left her mouth, she felt the sting of his hand across her cheek.

"How dare you! I work with Jessica, she's my partner!"

Monica reached up her left hand to touch her cheek before looking up at him. "Fine. Look me in the eye and tell me that you've never slept with her," she challenged him and Mitch looked down. "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Godamnit, Monica!"

"Godamnit, what? You think that you have the right to be mad? To be hurt? Well newsflash, you don't!"

"You think that you're so smart to figure this out. You think that I'm the only one who screwed up. But it's not like you've been the perfect wife, Mon. If you had been, you would've realized something was wrong a long time before now."

Monica crossed her arms, "And how long ago would I have figured it out."

Mitch closed his eyes, wishing that he would've just kept his mouth shut, that he wouldn't have let his temper get the best of him. "Six months," he finally said.

"Six months?" Monica repeated, "Six fucking months? Asshole!"

"Look, Mon-"

"Ya know what, **hon**? I don't really feel like hearing it right now."

"Moni-"

"Shut the hell up! I wasn't done!" she cut him off, "Get out."

"What?"

"I said get out! Get the hell out! Leave! I don't really feel like being around you right now and at the moment I don't ever really want to see you again!"

Mitch didn't say anything, but just looked back in shock.

"I said get out!" she yelled at him again. 

"Shh, you'll wake the kids up."

"And you're scared of what, that they'll find out the truth about who their father really is?"

"Mon…"

"Just…just leave, Mitch."

Mitch finally gave in, walking past Monica and out the front door. And as the front door slammed shut, Monica fell to the floor in tears.

~*back to present*~

"You what?" Chandler asked. "I mean, I thought you guys were happy."

"So much you don't know," Monica sighed, sinking back into the couch, "So much nobody knows."

"Well…what happened?"

"He was having an affair with his partner at his law firm," she said quietly, taking a deep breath, "for six months! Six months, Chandler, and I had just started to suspect something! How stupid must I be?"

"Oh, Mon."

"And-and when I accused him of it…he-he slapped me! Like I had no right to be saying that!"

"He hit you?" Chandler asked, and she just nodded. "Oh, Mon," he said softly as he pulled her into his arms in a hug. 

"And-and I just, I feel so stupid for not realizing it sooner! I'm with the rest of the world…I thought we were happy," she said, not even bothering to wipe the tears falling down her face. "And-and then I feel so guilty, too…cause there I was, I told him to get out…that I never wanted to see him again…and then the next day at work I got this call…that there was a fire at his work…and I'm wondering why they're calling me about it…and-and then they say that he-he was killed in it. But they said that-that he died of smoke inhalation…that he didn't feel any pain…and part of me was glad that he didn't have to feel any pain, and god, that part of me is dying because I really did love him…and then this other part of me…this other part of me wishes that he'd had to feel pain…cause god knows that he caused enough…so then it just goes back to guilt…" she trailed off, still sobbing.

Chandler just held her as she cried, too shocked to say anything. He kissed her forehead, and then before he knew what was happening, they were kissing. And he didn't stop it. They hadn't kissed for almost 10 years, and he hadn't realized just how much he'd missed it until he felt her lips on his own. He let out a soft moan, which must have snapped Monica out of whatever trance she was in because she pulled back.

"Sorry," they both said at the same time, turning away in embarrassment.

"I just…it's too soon," Monica whispered, "I still feel like I'd be cheating on Mitch or something…"

Chandler continued to stare at the same spot on the floor. But after a few minutes, of uncomfortable silence, he finally said something. "Well, um, I should probably just go…"

"Yeah," Monica whispered back.

"I-I guess I'll see ya, then," he added as he stood up, "Bye."

"Bye," Monica whispered back before watching him walk out the front door. The same front door that Mitch had walked out and then never walked back in again.

Monica stood up and walked over to the stereo, turning it up as loud as it would go in an attempt to drown out her thoughts. But when she heard the next song come on, a song she hadn't heard in years, she couldn't help but break down crying at the first line.

__

The strands in your eyes…

To

Be

Continued…

Yeah, sorry these parts have been so short…and this part had a lot of dialog in it…hmmm, but anywayz, please review, and I'll have the next part up as soon as I can : )


	9. I’ve dropped out, burned up, fought my w...

I'll Be~part 9

I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead

Hey all! I actually didn't forget about this series and have had every intent of finishing it…but I was stuck on something in it. And I didn't really get unstuck, so I'm hoping this doesn't completely suck. lol, that so rhymed : ) I was also gonna write this last night, but I had to burn a CD for my friend and I had a slight disagreement with my CD burner…I wanted it to burn and it didn't wanna so much. So that got me frustrated and so I wasn't in the mood to write anymore. But now the CD's burned and I'm in a writing mood and am gonna stop rambling so you people can read the rest of this fic a month after I posted the part before this. Okay. I think that it's. Oh, and I'd like to say that I do, in fact, own Ashleigh, Bryce, and Logan. And while I'm taking credit for people, I own Mitch and Julia too. Ha Ü 

"Momma," Bryce shook Monica, "Momma, wake up. Wake up." Monica finally opened her eyes; she hadn't even planned on falling asleep in the first place. "Why are you sleeping, it's still day?" Bryce asked and Monica just laughed, ruffling his hair. "Gramma's still downstairs, she said to come get you."

"Okay," Monica said, getting out of bed. "Did you have fun with Grandma and Papa last night?"

"Yeah. 'Cept their food's yucky. Their food's always yucky," he made a face.

Monica laughed, "Don't tell her that," she whispered as they walked down the stairs.

"Monica, dear," Judy smiled.

"Hi, Mom," Monica forced a smile back, "Were the kids good last night?"

"Of course," she smiled at her again, looking her over, "You sure you don't want us to take them for another couple of days?"

"No, I'm fine," Monica tried to smile reassuringly at her, "Plus, Ashleigh has school tomorrow, so…"

"Okay. Well, just call us if you need anything.'

"Alright. Thanks, Mom."

"No problem. Bye, Monica," she hugged her, "Bye, Bryce."

"Bye," Monica said, and Bryce waved to her as she walked out the door. "So where's your sister?" she turned to Bryce.

Bryce shrugged. "I'm hungry."

"Well what would you like?" Monica asked, starting to head toward the kitchen when the doorbell rang. "Hold on a sec, kay buddy? Why don't you go decide what you want while I answer the door."

"Kay," he grinned at her before running toward the kitchen.

Monica paused for a moment; his grin would always remind her of Mitch. Shaking her head to clear her thoughts as she opened the door, she froze when she saw who it was. "Chandler."

"Um, hey," he said uneasily, shifting Logan who was in his arms.

"What are you-why are you here?"

"I just, I wanted…about last night…I think…I," he sighed, laughing slightly. "God, I've never not been able to find the words to talk to you. I just…I wanted to say that I'm really sorry about last night."

"Me, too," Monica said quietly. "Oh, come in," she added, realizing that they were still standing in the doorway. "I was just gonna make something for dinner, you wanna stay? And we can talk later?"

"Sure. Oh! And this is Logan."

"Hi," Monica smiled at him.

"Say hi, bud," Chandler whispered, but he didn't respond, burying his face in Chandler's chest. "Sorry, he's kind of shy," he smiled at Monica.

"You sure he's yours?" Monica asked, not noticing how Chandler flinched and paused before answering.

"Haha, very funny," he smiled at her.

"Mom, I'm hungry," Bryce whined, walking out of the kitchen.

"Did you decide what you'd like?"

"Peanut butter and jelly sandwich."

"How does peanut butter and jelly sound?" Monica looked at Chandler, who just laughed.

"That's fine."

"A baby!" (Em-it's the baby! Matthew, don't eat the balloon…and now he's crying…how do I make him stop???? LOL…) Bryce exclaimed, not having noticed Chandler and Logan before.

"Bryce, you remember Chandler, right?" she asked and he nodded, "And this is Logan."

"Hi," Bryce smiled at them.

"Hi," Chandler smiled back at him. "Say hi," Chandler whispered to Logan again, but he shook his head and buried his face in his chest again. Chandler smiled and kissed Logan's head before looking up at Monica and smiling. "He really does talk, huh, Logan," he said, but still got no response, so Chandler just shrugged.

Monica just smiled at Chandler before turning back to Bryce. "Hey, go get Ashleigh and tell her we're going to eat," she said, and Bryce took off running up the stairs.

"Does that kid ever walk?" Chandler asked.

"Not if he can help it," Monica laughed, walking toward the kitchen and Chandler followed her. "So," Monica took out a loaf of bread, "Peanut butter and jelly, and then we'll talk."

~*~

"So that was a little longer than just peanut butter and jelly and then we'll talk," Chandler sat down next to Monica on the couch, looking at Logan who was asleep on a blanket on the floor. The kids had started playing, but they hadn't really had a chance to talk yet. But now they were all asleep, leaving the two adults to talk.

"He even sleeps like you," Monica laughed, looking in the same direction that Chandler had been looking in.

"Julia said that, too," Chandler grinned, leaning back into the couch, and an awkward silence they had begun to get used to followed.

"So," Monica finally said after a couple of minutes.

Chandler took a seep breath, "Look, I just, I wanted to say sorry about last night. It's just that…" he trailed off.

"It's just that what?" Monica asked quietly.

"It's just that…you've always been my 'what if,'" he looked at her.

"What?" Monica asked, confused.

"My what if…What if we could've been something. What if we, if I, threw something away that could've been something. I turned you down ten years ago…and I've always wondered what if I hadn't," he paused before continuing. "I was in love with you when you got married," he confessed, "I said that I didn't like Mitch, you said I was jealous, you were right. I **was** jealous because I was in love with you. And, ironically, I met the woman I married at the wedding of the woman I was in love with. And, god, I thought I was in love with Julia, but looking back, she was just a hell of a long rebound from you. And then we stayed together for so long, and it was for no other reason than that neither of us wanted change. We stayed together just because," he trailed off again.

"And then a couple of years ago I found out that she was cheating on me…but that's not all, no, that would be too easy, so I also found out that she was pregnant. I told her that I'd stay till the baby was born, but that I wanted a paternity test as soon as it was born, and if it wasn't mine, I was gonna leave. But, god, I don't know what I would've done if Logan hadn't been mine…"

"Why didn't you tell any of us?" Monica asked, caring about the fact that he'd started out by confessing that he'd been in love with her changed when she'd heard what he'd had to go through with out any of them.

"I don't know," Chandler admitted, "I guess I was too ashamed that I'd screwed up that bad."

"Chandler, honey, how did **you** screw up? She cheated, not the other way around."

"I'd think that you of all people would understand that," he looked at her, slightly resenting that. "But it just…I was ashamed that I'd stayed with her. We shouldn't have been together. I mean, we were **horrible** together. I don't know how we stayed together for six years, we just didn't work together," he sighed, running his fingers through his hair. "You think you're going through hell? Well, damn, Mon, I've been there and back."

"You think you can compare that to what I'm going through?"

"Well, yeah."

"You didn't have to go through the guilt. And you didn't lose anyone," Monica argued back, knowing that it was a petty argument compared to everything else, but still not wanting to lose it.

"Well, I still got hurt. I might not have lost anyone physically, but I was still betrayed. I was still hurt. Even with all the shit I've been through those were the worst nine months of my life," he lowered his voice, remembering that Logan was in the room and not wanting to wake him up. 

Monica looked down, and Chandler stopped speaking until she looked back up. "But even after all that, you're still my what if. And, Mon, I don't know if I can live the rest of my life wondering."

"So what do you want? You want to see if we work? Cause it ain't that easy. Maybe ten years ago it might've been, but this isn't exactly the best timing, Chandler. This effects other people now, too. You think-"

"The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath," Chandler spoke, "Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky, never revealing their depth. **Tell me** that we belong together, dress it up, with the trappings of love. I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips, instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above."

"I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead," Monica quoted another line from the song.

"And I'll be your cryin' shoulder, I'll be love suicide. **I'll be better when I'm older**," he paused, wanting her to know that's part of what he'd been saying all along, "I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

"Chandler-"

"Mon, I love you. I know, it's too soon, it's horrible timing…but…I do."

"Chandler, we haven't even seen each other in two, almost three years…how can you say that you love me?"

"Because I do…I've loved you for so long…I'm not even sure when it went from 'love' to 'in love'…but somewhere down the line it did," he looked her in the eye, "And yeah, I want to give us a try. I would've back then but I was too scared to. I was too scared to screw up, too scared to lose you. But, Mon, I've lived the past ten years wondering, and I can't live the rest of my life never knowing if we could've worked. Mon, I can't have you be my regret."

"But what if we didn't work and it still just screws everything up? How is that any different than ten years ago? If anything, it's worse now. I mean, now there's three other people involved in this that could get hurt. If it screwed everything up, wouldn't I still be your regret?"

"Never," he honestly answered.

Monica took a deep breath, taking a minute before saying anything else, the silence killing Chandler. But finally she began to speak in a whisper, "Honestly, I've wondered, too. I wondered for years…for a long time, you were my what if, too, but I got over it; I forced myself to stop living in the past. I couldn't spend my whole life wondering about what could have happened…I just couldn't let myself dwell on that," she paused, taking a slow, deep breath, "but then you came back…And so did everything else, all the memories, the song, how much I got hurt…everything."

"You got hurt?"

"Yes, Chandler, you're not the only one who got a broken heart from it. There were times when I thought I was in love with you. There was a time I cried over you. There was a point in time that you broke my heart," she paused, looking him in the eye. "And you were still my what if, too. It's just…it's too soon right now, Chandler," she sighed, "and I'm not saying no…just…maybe we work on the being friends thing first. You know, take it slow…build to a relationship. We've both been hurt, neither of us needs to rush into anything," Monica paused, waiting for Chandler's reaction.

"I could live with that," Chandler finally said, smiling slightly at her.

"Okay," Monica smiled back, so Chandler's smile widened.

"Um, can I hug you now?" Chandler asked hesitantly, and Monica just laughed.

"Yeah, that's fine."

"Okay," he smiled, wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace, not wanting to break it for the world, and Monica gladly returned it. 

"Um, Chandler?" Monica said quietly.

"Yeah?" he pulled back slightly.

"I just…I wanted to say…just…thank you."

"For what?" Chandler asked, confused by the sudden change of topic.

"For just…" she paused, laughing slightly and not really knowing what to say, "for just…for being," she smiled at him.

"Hey, I told you I would be," he smiled back, and Monica just laughed as Chandler started to sing softly…

__

The strands in your eyes…

And that's it people. When I started this, I was gonna go way past this point and tell about them actually getting together and stuff…and then I thought about how long that would end up being, and quite frankly, I'm tired of writing this fic. I have like a million ideas ping-ponging around in my head (I love that saying, hehe) and none of them have to do with this…But I have this thing with having to finish what I start, so I finished this. Sorry if this part sucked…but please review and tell me what you thought of it. Thanks a bunch *muah* 


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